Monkey Butt 2 - Creams potions and lotions

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 As an ass-side, monkey butt or chafing either riding a road bike or a  motorcycle can literally be a pain in the ass. Chamois cream which can work well for bike riding, does involve spreading lubricant over the offending area. Great for a day but really unpleasant if you have to squeeze into the same lycra for more than a day. Enter Crotch Guard!

I read about Crotch Guard on a long distance cyclists blog, the poor guy had a real issue as he rode across the USA, things were getting painful in the hinterland, that was until he tried Crotch Guard.

It is a simple mix of essential oils and antibacterial liquid  which is sprayed onto the offending area at the start of each day. I used Crotch Guard for a 6 day period riding an Endruo Bike in Sardinia. We rode on and off road, standing, sitting and on long 7 - 10 hour road rides to and from the trails.

Crotch Guard is brilliant, smells good, feels good (when applying) non messy and made the days in the saddle more than bearable. Highly recommended for preventing chafing and monkey butt.

Pirelli - MT21 Rallycross

Despite the fact that I asked, more maybe in hope than anything else, KTM Laguna did not supply the bike with the tyres I wanted. The bike came with the UK street option, Metzler Sahara's. Whilst these are amazing on the road and can cope with moderate tracks and trails, they are very poor on loose rocks, mud and the side walls seem soft. Oddly the KTM is supplied with the MT21's in the USA. So the MT21's arrived yesterday, they look taller than the stock and the business for the off-road. Described at a 10-90 or an 20-80 road/off-road, fitted with heavy duty tube, with tougher side walls and with a very aggressive looking knobbly tread, if they are not to loose on the hardtop, these maybe the perfect tyre. 

KTM 690 Enduro - How it rides?

Its temping to get stuck into the discussion about after-market parts, tyres, lights etc before actually looking at the basic bike as a riding experience. But lets not, just yet.

Well, its amazing, but thats not quite enough if you are about to spank close to £8000 of your quids!
Ok, it rides like a hot wind stripping a cat?, a deification on a polished shovel or other meaningless superlatives. I have read so many of these types of comments they blur into cliche'.

So really, this is how I see it. It's a tall bike that feels small and light, a friend commented on when following me on and off-road that I looked completely "at one" with the bike. This is so, its very natural and balanced, with handeling that really inspires confidence.

The lack of screen at the moment, and having no petrol tank at the front of the bike leaves you feeling a little exposed but then off road you ride it like an MX bike, shifting your weight forward and dropping you leg out in the bends. It's a totally normal action and great fun.

And fun it is, it feels like more of a toy than anything I have ever ridden.

The short gear shift criticised by some is not an issue for me, yes you do use the gears a lot more on the road but the slipper clutch works very well on the road and downshifting even at high revs is smooth and very predictable. It feels safe and very useable.

When standing and downshifting without using the clutch is smooth and easy, great when you need a spurt of power on a steep trail.

When using the Yamaha 660 or the BMW F800GS I used to stand a lot, but on the KTM I find myself sitting a lot more especially in the corners, leg out and weight forward. It is the real deal off-road where as the BMW especially, was a big bike with an off-road sticker on it.

Throttle response - Well its very quick indeed, it will hike from slow speeds to overtaking much faster than the two bikes mentioned above. I have not been brave enough to put the bike in sport mode as the "Normal"map  is more than enough at the moment, and I am still riding it under 6000rpm.

The suspension set up may take a bit of tweaking. I though I would follow the manual and set it to "standard" after a couple of days on very rocky trails the rebound seems a little harsh. The result is that the rear end skips over loose ground a little to quickly and you don't have the lovely weight and unweighting I have on my DH MTB. So I have dialled the bike (in the slow settings) to 12 clicks softening the bike. Its much better, Maybe with another few long rides it will loosen up.

So on the trails I have gone from BMW survival mode to attack. Well more like go, it feels very planted and safe. Although travelling faster if something goes wrong it will will be a faster fall.

It rails in corners, accelerates quickly, the brakes on and off-road are very good indeed. I have to say its a bit of a revelation.  I its un-farkled state the bike is very good indeed. Its not a long distant traveller but an amazing platform for the evolution.

BMW GS or Bust

A fully kited out ABR  - Icon Suit notwithstanding

The BMW 800GS was my second bike, quickly purchased post a brief and profitable foray with a Suzuki VStrom which I picked up for a song. Suckered into the GS fraternity by promises of adventures by Ewen Macgregor,  (Charley, was the sidekick at that time) it was fully kitted out with Caribou Panniers, Jesse Side Bars and Heidi Tyres and it really looked the part. The 30th Anniversary Paint job finished off the required ABR look. A frustrating digital subscription  to Adventure Bike Rider magazine complete with articles by "Dave an ABR from Brighton" on his latest foray though the Rhine Valley war fields via some rubbish cafe in Strasbourg should have sounded the warning bells, but no.

It took a hairpin 2000m up an Italian Alp to really seal the deal. "ABRism" and its love of the tank like BMW GS was fetish I had finished with. A marketing con for me at least, which came crashing down in a heap of dirt and rubble. These machines I now believe are the motorcycle riders equivalent of the Caravan Club "car of the year recommendations".  Great for towing you home about behind you but rubbish in a fight.

Its the add-ons which turn an already Scorpion Tank like ride into a Chieftain Tank width and weight machine. Don,t get me wrong they handle the weight of the 4 lights, steel panniers, engine bars, bash plates, huge luggage racks strong enough to anchor a Mule to and a repair kit so extensive you could repair a jumbo jet with, quite well, and they are good on the road. But when you drop them you need your entire family and a the accompanying film crew to pick them up. (Episode 2 - The Long Way Round)

Having ridden quite a lot of mountain dirt roads with my GS, it was not until Greg Watts, a fellow, at that time GS owner, struggled up and down the Col du Prapaillion, described the experience as "survival riding and not that much riding fun" did the penny really drop.

The suspension sucks, they dive and wallow under the weight (even with progressive springs), they are way to heavy by at least a 100kg loaded and impossible to pick up on your own if you happen to drop them on a road thats even just off the flat. The 800GS seems worse the the 1200GS as its carries its weight differently. Furthermore they are way to pretty to scuff, scratch and dent. Fine if your using someone else's on a dirt course in Wales, but drop your £15,000 machine on a sharp Italian rock and you will cry. Its not the zippy carefree fun it should be. Time to move on.

The Col du Prapaillion - France

Col de l'Arpettaz test ride

Over the last few weeks, I have preparing myself for a couple of long "GS" style rides. The first one is to ride from Chamonix to Finale on the Mediterranean coast riding on gravel, off-road and high Alpine roads. This short video is from one of the test rides.  I have been using a Contour + HD mini cam with various mounts. This ride is the Route de Montagnes, from the Col des Aravis to Ugine on the , France

V-Strom to BMW F800GS

^{The yellow-coated examiner handed me pass certificate and then it got real. I had already lined up  second-hand Suzuki V-Strom and now I had to pick it up. In the pissing rain from Kincraig to Forres I suddenly realised what this was about. I know nothing, yep I can pooter around a city making sure I don,t become bus food, but driving without instruction, on the open road at 60+ I do not have a clue. Whilst the 650cc bike purred away though the rain back to base, I felt there was something missing. However nice the bike was, it neither had the image or the character that could take me to the outer reaches of my journey. It was a bit more Hairy Bikers cookery machine, than Jedi Master continental dirt slugger. But before Obi-wankenobi became the true master of his realm he had to learn a few tricks. Dropping the bike and dumping my pillion (girlfriend, moll, life-partner- what do you call a lady friend who you love and live with?) on the tar at a 0mph, only reinforced the statement of the friendly traffic cop, that I am a minnow in a sea of sharks. Its time to get some teeth…}

The new BMW F800GS at the top of the Col du Petit St-Bernard 

^{Inspiration, if you could call it that came from watching a few re-runs of the Long Way Round, nope, not the Charley Boorman bits, or  Ewan McGregor' s more engaged interactions but from the bikes. But the 1200GS's are just too big, so I found myself edging towards BMW dealers in Inverness and Edinburgh. So I took the plunge, and without having ridden one, I traded in the Suzuki for the F800GS demonstrator from BMW Motorrad in Dalkeith. Two days later a few shekels were exchanged for the gleaming new machine. But before the dreams of the mongolian step became reality I had to learn to ride...}

Push Comes to Shove, Part 2

The first ride on the Joux Plane, Samoens, France

_{What started off as a simple requirement to legally cross 200m of tarmac through the village on my trails motorbike, to reach tracks on the other side, has turned out to be a monumental trial of will, roundabouts, money, tears, and shaking nervous hands.}

_{There has always seemed to be something romantic edgy, nonconformist, anti establishment about motorbikes, Steve Macqueen jumping barbwire fences, TE Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia) screaming down an English country lane to oblivion and incongruously, a faded picture of my mother, on an old English James Motorcycle in the early fifties. It has always niggled away at me but up until now I had not created the opportunity. I do kind of fancy myself as being quite capable, macho but sensitive, strong but with a caring edge, you know the type, in the Ewan Macgregor mould but a bit older, but the motorcycle thing has eluded me so far. I have always looked at the speed bikers in Glencoe and Tyndrum and though it looked fun, it seemed a bit too crazy, too tribal, unknown, an impenetrable creed with, codes, colours and kudos. That was until I rode my first 500cc bike on the road. Call it mid-life crises, (the other symptoms are there), but I am happy to be a cliché as long as the clothes fit.}

_{Having made the decision to go for my licence, I thought, naively I would sit my test somewhere quiet, with simple roads and not much traffic, I plumped for Nairn, two roundabouts, a few grannies on the road and the occasional stray golf buggy.  No such luck.}

_{For those who have had their car licences for a while, over ten years or so, it’s all change. Its now a much more complex process than riding around the block. Having failed the practise online theory test with a miserable 30 out of 50, I should have got the message. But no, I have wobbled on. In a hot room full of spotty teenagers in early July, I creamed the theory test with a solid 49 out of 50. It was now time to pull on the leathers and race through the rest, or so I thought.}

_{I elected to do an accelerated program, in theory; it could see me going from complete novice to qualified death machine rider in about 10 days, if all went well. Kevin of KDM Training went through the CBT theory and promptly plonked me on a 500cc street bike; the sheer weight of it was a shock. Dropping it could be so easy, but there I was weaving in and out of cones at 12mph trying to control the grumbling red beast between my legs. Once he had explained the necessary theory we headed off to the nearby industrial estate. Thankfully either because of the recession or an early Saturday shut down, the roads and junctions were deathly quite. Turning right, left, emergency stops and having performed more u-turns than a liberal party in government, I was asked if I wanted to go for a town ride. Earpiece in, I was guided through he throbbing metropolis of downtown Nairn.}

_{I can tell you it was a thrill, to really have to concentrate on driving, after all of these years being inured from the road. To feel the acceleration of a road worthy motorcycle, exhilarating, I even touched 50mph! After 2 hours learning the basics of road riding, we called it a day and my CBT was issued. Step two complete.}

_{The glorious EU have created a modular series of bike tests designed to push new riders to hirer levels of skills than previously required and the MOD 1 test is designed to test your slow speed handling skills amongst other things. Tales from friends of crashes, broken arms and endless failures over weeks and months, left me feeling more nervous than setting off up some super Alpine climb. After two hours of practise in the examiners caged arena, I was deemed ready.}

_{I wobbled through the slalom, and wound my way slowly through the head up, eyes in front, awful figure of 8. Speed through the “high-speed” cornering test to the fateful emergency stop; Front brake, rear brake, clutch 50 kmph to a standstill in 30m. Heart thumping, trying to be as calm as possible I executed what I thought was the perfect stop, smooth and short. The impassive instructor announced that the test was over, and lead me out of the compound, mirror, life-save left, mirror, life-save right, into the test centre car park. It was only when I parked the bike, did I think that I did not do the hazard avoidance exercise. No worries, maybe I was super good and it was not needed. No such luck, a puff or rubber during my emergency stop from a locked up rear wheel, failure.}

_{How stupid, how humiliating, how expensive, how damingly disappointing; EU bureaucracy kicked in and a 10-day mandatory gap was enforced. Meanwhile dreams of the open road had to idle in the garage and the ever-increasing pile of bike magazines, just reminded me that entry into the exclusive club was a fantasy that seemed to be ever more distant and elusive.}

                            

_{Life and kids took over, but there niggling in the back of my mind was the test. I found I was watching the weather trying to predict what the test day would be like, wet, dry, sunny or windy, all factors which I felt could conspire to increase the difficulty of the retry. On the day despite the fact I though I drove with less confidence, I passed.}

_{The initial test failure really scuppered the program, in the breaks between the rain, I peddled my road bike up mountain passes, and thrashed my Down Hill bike though muddy forests and across raging streams.  But my summer’s challenge was dragging on, the nagging disappointment ever present.}

_{6 weeks later, Highland Grandparents were supplied with various kid’s instructions and I was there again, this time for the last and arguably the most difficult portion of the test, the MOD 2 road test. 45 minutes of town and open road driving which has to be near perfect.}

_{Every turn, every roundabout, every manoeuvre has to follow a set EU assessed sequence, mirrors, indicate, decelerate, mirrors, left life-save, left turn, cancel indicator, mirrors up to national speed limit as quickly as possible; 2 second gaps, and 4 second gaps in the wet, lane procedure. It’s a mind numbing and brain taxing set of processes, designed to make you aware that the rest of the idiots on the road are trying to kill the unobservant motorcyclist.}

_{No thrill of the open road here, just defensive driving, observation and systems. Try and drive for 45mins, in a busy city, every signal, every lane change, every observation having to be perfect. Add to that the perverse proclivity of planners in Inverness to build multilane roundabouts, some the size of Bermuda and you will understand how I could let a crofter, out for his monthly shop, who signalled left but turned right, leave me stranded half way across one of these islands of confusion. Swearing into my helmeted head, unheard by the whirlpool of motorists still trying to decipher the Corryvreckan sized roundabout, I life-saved my way back to the compound for the inevitable black mark.  38minutes of near perfect, mechanical driving out of 45mins, I knew I had blown it.}

_{The failure set off an avalanche of rearranged flights, cancelled hill walking days, bike purchases, insurance policies and put dreams of hell angels and my leather clad pillion girl on hold. I extended the loan of the leathers, and contended myself by cleaning my new helmet.}

_{Born to be wild, would just have to wait, due to an extended gestation period. What I had hoped would be a Immaculate Conception, was turning out to a pregnancy of elephantine proportions.}

_{I can understand the logic, every short sighted pensioner, every hurrying business man, every school run mother on a mobile phone, every white van and four wheeled vehicle has to be treated with suspicion, on a bike you are more venerable. In a car a simple shunt, is a scratch or broken indicator, to a biker is a broken leg or worst, so don’t just “think bike, think that the guy or gal who is riding the street rocket, really has spent a lot of time trying not to be a mobile target.}

_{10 EU length working days later, (that’s nearly 3 weeks to you and me), the 4 month journey come down to 40 minutes, consisting of 101 life-save “looks”, 38 mirror-signal-manoeuvres, 12 national speed limit changes, 4 roundabouts, two hills starts and a 20mph school limit which went on and on. I now hold one licence to thrill, it also allows me too without question as a middle aged man wear tight leather pants, dress like a storm trooper, and finally justify the goatee. Let the Adventure begin…}

K60 Scout by Heidenau

I am busy preparing my BMW F800GS for a transalpine off-road and on-road adventure (details to follow later). However one of the questions that has perplexed me up until now has been tire choice. There are many blog threads, tweets and much other noise about which tire is the best off-road/on road mix. The majority of the information on the web is American where they tend to go for full knobblies, the bigger the better. However big Enduro bikes, also spend a deal of any trip loaded up with a lot of gear and travelling on tarmac, and most, if not all off-road tires don,t handle as well on the road, make a lot of noise and the riders feel a definite buzz through the handle bars. After much reading and searching I have opted to try the K60 Scout by the German brand Heidenau, they are a true 50/50 tire especially designed for big Enduro GS machines. They have just arrived today and they look great, deep tread but with enough rolling edge to suggest they with be cool on the road as well. Only time will tell and I am told I do need to run them in but these tires mark the first significant step towards preparing the bike for a high altitude late summer adventure.